It was my first day on the job.
I stood by the window, waiting for my first coaching client to arrive. I felt nervous, quite unsure of what to expect, but also quite excited.
I wondered how I would relate to my new client group. Would I understand their views of reality? How would I relate to their stories? How would they relate to mine? Would it be hard to make a connection?
There were no answers – yet. But there was plenty of time.
As I stood at the window, a man, who appeared to be in his early 30’s, made his way down the pathway. He seemed very intense and I wasn’t sure how to read him. I wondered, was he going to be my first client?
Then, suddenly, he stopped. Something on the ground caught his attention. He quickly bent down, picked it up and put it in his pocket.
I was curious. What did he find that interested him so? Did he find some money, or could it have been something more sinister?
I began to worry about what he had in his pocket. Can I trust this guy? I actually hoped he wouldn’t walk into my room.
But he did. He took a seat and looked at me. And that’s how my new coaching job began.
We all have our first-day experiences. Mine took place inside a maximum security prison.
But the story I just told highlights issues all coaches face:
Trust, purpose, anxiety, identity. So, if you’re new to coaching, i hope this article helps. And, if you’ve been coaching for years, I hope it is still relevant to you too.
Without mutual trust, you can’t get far. I could talk about authenticity and honesty and the need to establish trust early, but there’s no easy formula I can give you. However, there are two questions I think you should ask yourself.
The first question is – is the client willing to become vulnerable? The word ‘vulnerable’ derives from a Latin word that means ‘wound’. Someone who is vulnerable allows themselves to be wounded, hurt. The opposite is self-protection.
People make themselves vulnerable because they either genuinely trust you or because they lack insight and trust people too easily.
People who are willing to be vulnerable will open up and be ‘real’ about their situation. This is a gift and they are investing in you.
The second question is – why is the client building trust? There can be various reasons why clients might want a trusting relationship with you. Perhaps they are looking for an ally to take their side and agree with them. Perhaps they are looking for a sympathiser to feel sorry for them, or an someone to help them move forward. Try to work out what they want and think about what you want to get into.
Some clients are clear about where they want to go and how you can help them get there. And they are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. We all love these clients. But many clients are not like that.
You need to define the purpose of the coaching and build engagement. What purpose is the client ready for right now? They might want a thriving business, a dream job, or a loving relationship, but what are they ready to do right now?
Going to a coach is not the same as changing. Turning up to a coaching session is not all they must do. People who think it is are all talk and no follow through. They must understand that nothing changes if they don’t engage.
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of anxiety. We want to do our best job and be effective. But there’s no guarantee it will work out like that.
Anxiety can be adaptive because it can make you alert and in tune with what is happening. You don’t want to become desensitised to a bit of anxiety. But you don’t want panic. Panic means you’re not coping. If you experience panic, you need some help.
There are two points to make here. First, getting coach training doesn’t mean you’re cut out for coaching. If you’re cut out for coaching, you’ll love doing it, you’ll be effective, and people will love having you as their coach. Your identity as a coach shouldn’t depend on your training, or even how long you’ve been doing it. You’ll know if you’re a coach.
Second, if you know you’re cut out for coaching, don’t worry too much about ‘failures’. You will have clients who make no progress and who complain about you. It’s easy to blame your coach if you’re not prepared to do anything. Your job as a coach is to help them, not to do it for them. Do the best you can; accept that some clients make fantastic progress, and some don’t.
I trust these ideas are of some help in your coaching career.
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